God Things...

I have a fear of the unknown. Sometimes that fear wrestles with my thoughts and beliefs of Heaven and God and Jesus.  Maybe that makes me a bad Christian.  I'd like to believe that makes me human.  Someone once told me that they'd rather have faith and believe and be wrong than not have faith, be doubtful,
and be wrong. (Thanks Mona)

John 14:6

Jesus answered,

 “I am the way and the truth and the life. No one comes to the Father except through me."

Almost immediately after I got the call from my sister I started praying.  Not for peace, comfort, or understanding for me but for a sign.  I wanted to know that Dad was okay.  That he had made it to that better place that has been promised to us by Jesus and that we read about in the Bible.  I wanted to know he was with Grandma because that was something he looked forward to the most when he talked about someday when it was his time.  I prayed hard for that sign.  It was all I could think about.  I needed to know he was okay, somewhere better, somewhere safe, and not fighting for every minute with his own mind like he had been.  And then this happened to Jake...

And I stopped worrying and doubting so much.  

You see - when Jake was 15 he bought a hunk of metal on eBay.  It was what was left of a 1986 Mustang Saleen GT after an engine fire.  I believe just a frame and a few body panels.  Dad was a Senior Master Ford Technician, for those who don't know.  He started his career as a mechanic at Russ Darrow in Waukesha at 16.  Dad and Jake worked on that car together.  Built it from the ground up, quite literally.  Jake has many more stories than I even know.  One of the nights right after Dad died he told us one about Dad MAKING a wiring harness for it because they couldn't find one, or they were too expensive, or something.  I was 18 at the time and moved out so I wasn't around to see the car come together first hand.  Dad took as much pride in that car as Jake does.  Its still around.  Parked in Jake's garage though he rarely drives it.  In fact I don't know if I've ever seen him drive it.  That car is a beautiful sparkly blue.  Its a special blue and I do remember there was much discussion about the "perfect" blue before the car finally went to be painted.  The mustang also has white racing stripes.  

So now back to the picture - On the day of Dad's wake Heather and Jake pulled out on the the highway in Dad's baby - his 1980 Corvette.  And what pulled up behind them?...A "THAT" blue with white racing stripes mustang.  I still get teary every time I look at this picture.  I thank God for our sign and I'm glad that He gave it to Jake.  I think he needed it the most.



Title Credit - When I went to our church's Titus 2 Women's Bible study the week after Dad's funeral and told them about this; one of the ladies told me the previous pastor from the church called these
kinds of "happenings" - God Things.  I think it fits.

Shattered...

So much has happened since my last blog.

None of it matters anymore.

Except what happened on July 21st.

I got a phone call from my sister that shook my world so hard it will never spin the same way again.

I couldn't even cry when she said it. I screamed at the top of my lungs for Ryan and shook uncontrollably. I wanted to cry. I wanted to feel something other than what I was. Something other than mad.

How could I be mad at him when the man who was my world for so long - was gone.

My dad, my hero, my smile, my backbone, my kick in the ass when I needed it, my comfort, my phone call with the just the right words when I felt down, took his own life after a very long fight with depression.

Its 3 o'clock in the afternoon 2 weeks since the funeral.

I can't figure out how this hole inside of me is ever going to feel less empty. How I will get through a day without a single tear for him.

I'm terrified that my boys won't remember the little time and the few memories they had with their Papa.

Nothing mattered the last 2 1/2 weeks. No schedules or alarms or plans. One day blended to the next.

Now I'm alone.

Away from my sisters and brother. Each of us needing the others to hold ourselves together.

Every minute is going so slowly. Its only Monday. It feels like a whole year's worth of time will pass before Friday and, hopefully, Ryan get here.

I hate this.