Diagnosis: Postpartum Depression

Anxiety issues run in my family.  I've always been able to talk myself down and calm down.  Ryan is an AMAZING husband and knows when I'm starting to get anxious and panic.  He deals with my "craziness" better than I do. My family has a history of depression too.  I had depression at 19 and 20 when I was diagnosed with endometreosis and during the treatment following the diagnosis.  Because of that I try to be aware of how I'm feeling and what is causing me to feel the way I do.  Unfotunately, when you're busy being a wife, a mom to 3 kids, and taking care of a farm, worrying about yourself often becomes 2nd, 3rd, (and so on) priority.  I took Danica to our family doctor for her 6 month well baby checkup last week. Our doctor asked me how I was feeling and I burst into tears.  My happy face charade, that I didn't even realize I was putting on, came crashing down.  I guess I have been too busy doing everything for everyone else since Danica was born. I hadn't thought about me and how getting up in the morning has been so difficult. Danica has been sleeping through the night almost since we got home from the hospital. I shouldn't feel the need to nap on the couch every morning after getting 8 hours of sleep (which by the way is impossible to do with 3 kids). I didn't realize that every time something bad happens I feel like its my fault or that I could have somehow prevented it and then feel guilty. I didn't notice how my anxiety has caused ridiculous mood swings that even Ryan hasn't been able to figure out what to do with.  I did notice that a lot of days time slips by me. Suddenly hours have passed and I feel like I've accomplished nothing. I'm taking care of 3 kids during that time and that's something but I can't get my brain to accept that-that's good enough. Our doctor prescribed me an antidepressant and an anti-anxiety medication.  I've been on the anti-depressant for a little over a week now.  I'm looking forward to the 6 week mark when I should notice a big difference in how I feel to how I've felt the last few months.

Heinz ain't got nothin' on me!

And I have about that many still on the vines yet.  Its a good year!

Bittersweet Milestones

I've sat here for 30 min trying to think of something witty to say about watching my last baby meet her important milestones. I'm just as excited to see her roll over for the first time or take her first bite as I was with Landon, my first.  Yet I struggle with the reality that this will be the last time I see MY baby do each thing for a first time. It truly is bittersweet. I guess this is why mothers look forward to grandchildren. Did I really just say I'm looking forward to grandchildren? Note to self...get my head checked.
Danica had her 6 month checkup today.  She weighed in at 16 pounds 13 ounces and is 27 inches long.  She got one shot and smiled at the nurse through the whole thing...didn't so much as grimace.  On to the good stuff.

Getting the hang of sitting unsupported.

As if it wasn't a big enough deal for her to eat food for the first time...she grabbed the spoon and helped feed herself.

Slacker

The first step to recovery is admitting you have a problem.... I am a slacker. I procrastinate to no end. That is why it has been roughly 2 months since my last post. Unfortunately blogging is not my only procrastination. I hate laundry too. There is A LOT of clean laundry upstairs and in the basket next to the couch that NEEEEEDS to get put away TODAY. But I will probably procrastinate until at least Wednesday to put it away and by then there will be at least 2 more loads waiting to be folded. Did I mention I hate laundry.



Anyway...this will be a not so small overview of whats been going on in the last couple months to catch everyone up on my so interesting life.



Our farm is growing. We added 2 Shetland sheep. A ewe and a ram who we've named Bo and Peep. They are both yearlings and we are hoping Peep will have a lamb or two next spring. We actually got them quite cheap from a Craigslist ad. We were told that the previous owners didn't have as much time as they'd like to take care of them and they just wanted them to go quickly. About 2 weeks ago Ryan called a local sheep farmer to see if he would come shear Bo and Peep for us. I had never seen a sheep sheared before. It was really neat to watch. We have two bags of wool that I'm not really sure what I'll do with. I'd like to learn to spin someday

but just don't have the time to attempt it right now.







Our chickens and other various poultry are twitterpated (or broody if you want to be technical). It started with the turkey in May. She lost all of her eggs to a predator the week before they were supposed to hatch. Most likely a coyote. Then one banty chicken started sitting on a few eggs in one of the nesting boxes and within a week there was at least one chicken sitting on eggs in all the nesting boxes. 2 chickens were even sharing a box together. I thought we'd have 100 new baby chicks by the time they were done. Sadly only 4 baby chicks made it out of their shells and only 2 of those made it past the first few days. However, there is still one hen sitting on 2 eggs in the non-functioning utility sink in the garage. Yesterday when I went in the hay mow to throw down hay for the sheep I found a nest of about 8 eggs that I believe another hen is sitting on and last Thursday our "missing" guinea hen reappeared with 16 babies as well.



Last weekend we inherited 2 ponies from my mom. They were my little sister and brother's but they have upgraded to horses. Meet May and Flicka.



My garden is doing really well this year. We've had a lot of rain so its been difficult at best for me to keep up with the weeds. Ryan occasionally picks up large rolls of paper from paper companies and they put rubber mats down in the trailer so the rolls don't get wet. Ryan's company just throws them away but they've been holding onto them for me. I cut the mats in half and lay them down my rows to help cut down on the weeds. The garden actually hasn't looked this good since the first year I moved here when it was much smaller. The only thing that didn't come up was my row of sweet peas. I used some leftover seeds that were probably two years old so that may explain it. My pumpkin and cucumber plants are really healthy looking this year and I actually have beets and kohlrabi up too. The beans really need fence up so they can climb but with all the rain yesterday we just didn't get to it. Hopefully we can do it next weekend before we leave for vacation. My tomato plants are doing fantastic as well and already have some good sized tomatoes hanging from them. I'm hoping to branch out beyond diced tomatoes this year and can some homemade spaghetti sauce.

Ryan has been working hard to get all our firewood cut, split, and stacked for winter. When Landon is here he loves to help too! Usually we do it in early spring while the ground is still frozen but the spring thaw came early this year and we didn't get the chance. I'm pretty confident Ryan has just about all of it cut and split now. It just needs to be stacked.

Landon and Sawyer are enjoying the warmer weather and are outside daily. They play hard and by the end of the day they pass out just about anywhere.

Danica is growing like a weed. She is still a quiet content little girl. She loves to play in her exersaucer. She's forever chewing on her fingers and I think I see the top of a tooth just under the skin on her bottom gum. At her 4 month check up she was 14lbs 9oz and 25 inches long. Bigger than both Landon and Sawyer at their 4 month checkups. I just love all her baby rolls.

She and Landon have quite the bond. I think he would be happy to sit and talk baby talk to her for hours.

Well for those of you who enjoy reading this blog...again I'm sorry for the delay. Watch in a few weeks for a new blog. We leave this Saturday for our annual Trucker's Vacation. We're headed to Summer Haven RV Resort in Bemidji, MN. Hope you all had a fantastic 4th of July!

♥ Heart Check-up 2010♥

Landon was born with a congenital heart defect called Tetralogy of Fallot. It is explained here as simply as it can be. I was lucky, I guess you could say. I found out about Landon's defect when I was pregnant. Most of the time it isn't noticed until the baby is born. A severe murmur is heard during the newborn checkup and the baby is wisked off to a children's hospital for immediate surgery before the parents even know what happened. I was at least prepared it was possible. Thankfully, after a few preterm labor scares, Landon was born full term and his heart was strong enough and functioning well enough to come home with me so he could grow and get even stronger before having surgery. A baby's heart is only about the size of his or her fist. Can you imagine what it must be like to operate on a heart that tiny? It baffles

my mind to this day.

Landon was born December 28th and we scheduled his surgery for May 15th. At the beginning of April I had some medical issues and had to take a medication that didn't allow me to continue to breastfeed. I slowly weaned Landon to formula. When he was completely switched over he started reacting to the lactose in the formula. He would get a tummy ache and have terrible crying fits. They progressively got worse and Landon started having tet spells (cyanotic episodes). Landon's cardiologist told us this might happen from time to time so I didn't immediately worry but it was still very scary to see when it happened. As the spells occurred more often and got worse I decided to call his doctor to be reassured he wasn't in danger. She asked me to bring him in which resulted in an ambulance ride to Wisconsin Children's Hospital in Milwaukee after he had a tet spell in her office. We got there on Friday. He had surgery on Monday morning and much to my amazement was discharged Friday of the same week. To repair Landon's heart they took a piece of the sack around his heart and used it to patch the hole between his chambers. They used gore-tex to replace what they took from his pericardial sack. They also made his pulmonary valve bigger. Unfortunately, by changing the valve it caused the valve to leak. In this situation, after the right ventricle pumps blood to the pulmonary artery some of the blood is able to flow backwards through that valve. This causes extra volume in the right ventricle and makes the heart work harder to pump it back out. Because exercise makes muscles bigger this kind of extra work cause the ventricle to become enlarged and pump inefficiently. Landon's cardiologist keeps an eye on that valve through yearly checkups like he had today.

First he had an EKG. Landon is very ticklish which makes putting the electrode stickers on lots of fun.

Then he had a chest x-ray. He was not impressed with all this doctor stuff.

And finally we seen his pediatric cardiologist, Dr. Finta.



She went over the results of the EKG and x-ray and she listened to Landon's heart. With her well tuned ears she can hear how well that patch is working and how much his valve is leaking. She told us Landon's valve is more noisy than it was last year and she thinks Landon will probably need to have his valve replaced sooner than we thought. He isn't in any immediate danger but it is deteriorating faster than she expected it would. We were hoping to make it til he was 16 to 18 years old. For now she is going to keep a close eye on it. She moved up his echo cardiogram that is usually done every 3 years. We just did one last year and he'll have another next year. At home we just have to keep an eye out that he's doesn't get worn out or out of breath more often than usual. Hopefully we'll make it at least a few more years before we have to do the surgery. At the moment Landon has no side effects from his leaky valve and is looking forward to getting into trouble as usual.

An Open Poem to my Brother

As I lay here in my bed,

next to where my daughter lays her head.

I can't imagine what our parents go through,

every time they get the call about you.

Does it matter to you at all,

how much it affects us when you fall?

You could have killed those people tonight!

What makes you think you had the right?

Go ahead, blame your wife.

She's no excuse to ruin your life.

Do you remember that machine breathing for you last time?

To erase that fear, still in my heart, I'd give my last dime.

Seeing you in that hospital bed

How close you were to being dead.

Never again is what you swore

Your promises I believe no more.

With another totalled car

Again here you are.

Aren't the rest of us enough

Is the choice really that tough?

Do you even care?

You keep taking that drinker's dare.

I'm scared one day your luck will dry.

We'll be here, left to cry.

To comfort each other,

We'll be without our little brother.

Something's got to give.

I hope you choose to live.

How would I explain the news

to your niece and nephews?

I hope next time you go out

that gives you something to think about.

How can you be so self-centered?

Have those of us you'll leave behind been considered?
You know I didn't write this without cause.

A picture you don't like, I hope for you it draws.

Over She Goes

Danica rolled over for the first time today. She really hates tummy time. I'm sure she'll never stay on her tummy now that she's got it figured out. The first time she did it I thought it was just an accident from rocking a little when she was upset about being on her tummy. I rolled her back over and she did it again and swung her hip into it. Hehe! She's growing so fast!