The last month in our small community has been tragic to say the least. On September 7 two young girls died in a horrible car accident on their way to the high school football game. I did not know the girls but the pain in our community was so heavy and so deep it was almost tangible. I have been going to our church (Ogema Baptist) for over a year now and I have never seen it as full as I did Sunday after the accident. Pastor Rod gave a wonderful sermon that spoke to me about some of the things that I've been through. Specifically my dad's suicide. He said when tragedies happen people tend to ask why God would do something like this. Why would he take these two young, bright, beautiful girls from their parents, families, friends, and community that loved them so much? He said to instead ask why God ALLOWed it to happen. So I got to thinking why God would allow Dad to take his life. One thing I knew for sure even prior to this was it drew me closer to Him. I had been struggling with my faith and it had been growing but I still had plenty of doubts. There is no way I would have gotten through that tragedy without God's help. I prayed for signs so I would know Dad was okay. We got that sign and I was reassured that Dad had made it to Jesus and there in fact is somewhere after this life. Now I truly believe I'm living another reason God allowed this to happen. At the end of August a high school friend of mine took her life. I was able to send a message to her sister and reach out to her and give her some comfort that there were people who knew exactly what she was going through and that in time she would find a way through the questions and the guilt and the pain. Last week Wednesday morning I woke up to my alarm to get Landon up for the bus. I laid in bed a little while checking my Facebook while I woke up enough to get moving. Sometime during the night a dear friend of mine had changed her picture to a suicide awareness ribbon in honor of her brother - another young man in our community. This friend has helped me grow my faith more and has comforted me many times during our ladies tea and chat on Wednesday nights at church when my grief and memories of Dad would overwhelm me My heart instantly broke for her as the tears streamed down my face and the memories came flooding back in a tidal wave. After getting Landon on the bus I prayed without stopping for her and her family and the horrible anguish they were going through and the dark journey they had just been dropped off on. I felt "the nudge" to be there for her. God using my pain and suffereing to be able to support her like not many others can simply because they haven't been through it. I hope that I was able to be a sign of hope for her that someday the pain will be bearable. That she is not alone. So many well meaning people say things that are possibly the last thing you should say to someone grieving - let alone someone grieving a suicide. I hope I can be a safe haven in a way because even though our situations are slightly different - I've walked this same path myself. I've sent messages just relaying the range of emotions and grief that I experienced and reassurance that in time, though it doesn't seem like it now, she will find a way to live with what happened even without answers to the questions that burn through your mind after someone makes this choice. In one of my messages I mentioned that I had found reassurance of God's mercy and grace in the sign my siblings and I got. I said I hadn't gotten any signs in quite some time but that one was enough and I was grateful for it. I sent that message on Thursday. Saturday morning I attended the funeral. It is amazing the support our small community gives. I didn't even make it in to the church it was so full but stood on the steps and listened to what I could hear. And I prayed a lot. I had lots of flashbacks during the funeral procession of being behind my brother who was driving Dad's 'Vette and of looking behind us to see an endless line of flashing hazard lights in honor of Dad. After the graveside service I went home and had some lunch. Ryan and I loaded up the kids to meet some friends of ours at the big family farm in Prentice to drop off our boat and some of their things to store for the winter. They're in the process of moving in with us for awhile. As I pulled in to the driveway my jaw dropped, my heart skipped a beat, and tears filled my eyes. Behind our friend Tim's truck was a little blaze orange boat. Thee very boat my dad pulled me up behind on my first pair of water skis. The one we kids had waiting and packed with a cooler of sandwiches, soda, and a couple beers for Dad when he got home from work. So he could hook it up as soon as he pulled in and we wouldn't miss a minute of daylight those hot summer evenings out on the lake. The one with the spider crack on the bow and the hole in the hull from hitting a piece of driftwood and almost sinking it on Lake Alexander one summer. The one Dad sold to his best friend's brother over 10 years ago. That apparently another friend of ours purchased from him 6ish years later and had dropped off at Tim and Rose's a year ago to fix that hole in the hull. THERE was my sign - just when I needed that reassurance that God is right here with me - all the time. So so grateful!
Please keep my friend in your prayers. She and her family are going to need it in the months to come. (As well as our community now grieving 3 young losses) If you're not a believer - or you have doubts. I hope this blog and its "prequel" offer you hope or maybe plant that little seed of faith in you because just a little bit is all it takes... Matthew 17:20 He replied, “Because you have so little faith. Truly I tell you, if you have faith as small as a mustard seed, you can say to this mountain, ‘Move from here to there,’ and it will move. Nothing will be impossible for you.” As for me .... I don't have much for doubts anymore.
My sister Amber and Me behind that boat over a decade ago!
