Shattered...

So much has happened since my last blog.

None of it matters anymore.

Except what happened on July 21st.

I got a phone call from my sister that shook my world so hard it will never spin the same way again.

I couldn't even cry when she said it. I screamed at the top of my lungs for Ryan and shook uncontrollably. I wanted to cry. I wanted to feel something other than what I was. Something other than mad.

How could I be mad at him when the man who was my world for so long - was gone.

My dad, my hero, my smile, my backbone, my kick in the ass when I needed it, my comfort, my phone call with the just the right words when I felt down, took his own life after a very long fight with depression.

Its 3 o'clock in the afternoon 2 weeks since the funeral.

I can't figure out how this hole inside of me is ever going to feel less empty. How I will get through a day without a single tear for him.

I'm terrified that my boys won't remember the little time and the few memories they had with their Papa.

Nothing mattered the last 2 1/2 weeks. No schedules or alarms or plans. One day blended to the next.

Now I'm alone.

Away from my sisters and brother. Each of us needing the others to hold ourselves together.

Every minute is going so slowly. Its only Monday. It feels like a whole year's worth of time will pass before Friday and, hopefully, Ryan get here.

I hate this.